Phineas Crumpt

Phineas Crumpt suffers from schizophrantic delusions brought about by a severe blow to the head in an accidental collision with a bakery truck in his home town of Portland, Oregon.

He has not experienced any of the things that he claims to have done, and did not spend a troubled childhood in a mental institution in Salzburg, Austria.

He did not find the Silver-Winged Binchon of Calthos-Crete. He also did not spend any horrifying nights on an island inhabited by wild pigs.

There is no "mad doctor" that wants him dead, nor is there an evil organization set on shrinking his head in a tribal ritual. He has not, ever, spent an evening in a hotel haunted by the ghost of Roger Whittaker.

Thaumaturgic Cartography is not a real science, nor are the Thaumaturgic Cartographers in any way a secret organization for which he is the Grandmaster. He claims to be a sea captain. This is not true. He also claims to be married to a woman named Beatrice which is also a complete fabrication.

If for any reason you should run into this individual who claims to be Phineas Crumpt, and he tells you any of his outrageous lies, for your own saftey please contact Dr. Karl Aberforth at the Hotel Sacher, Salzburg.