Ulysses G. Faustus

Ulysses G. Faustus is a haunted man. He…wait, did I say haunted? I meant hunted. Yes. Okay, let me start again. Ulysses G. Faustus is a hunted man. He…no. No, I’m sorry, that doesn’t sound right, either. I’m sure it starts with an “H” but …maybe it’s hungry? That wouldn’t surprise me. I’ve seen him and he’s close to 200 pounds (never seen him far from a fork if you know what I mean). Anyway, if it comes to me I’ll put it in. So, moving along swiftly now…

Until recently, he’d made his home in far-away India, the region of Himachal Pradesh to be precise, where he’d enjoyed the distance from country and kin for nearly a decade, writing the memoirs of his youth––the pages of which are just spilling over with pinch-faced, herring-scented lies. The sort of monkey-driven fabrications your mother wouldn’t buy from you at a church bazaar on the Sabbath. At least, this is what he’s been told by his dear Aunt Gertrude, a sweet woman in spite of her itchy moustache and the faint smell of gin and standing milk that forever clings to her (which is a mystery to Ulysses as he’s never seen her drink either).

His thirst for adventure and alchemy is legendary and no less insatiable than his thirst for briny, carbonated beverages as will be recounted in his soon-to-be-released ‘memoir’.

But for now, there are a few filthy erroneous rumors about Ulysses that he would like to clarify.

1. The accusations laid against him of piracy in the South China Sea are false. It was the East China Sea. Either way it has yet to be proven.

2. He was hardly a Thuggee general. If anyone were to guess, it would have been more along the rank of Colonel. But he assures that it was only in an advisory capacity––a ruse to gain their trust so as to guarantee the safe return of his grandfather’s chest of curiosities (he does not recommend this to anyone as the Tamil authorities have little sense of adventure about such things).

3. He is infamous for his various impersonations of Appalachian-American carnie-folk.

4. The only devilish pact he ever made ended in marriage. And although some would argue that it is damnation, he admits to burning eternally for her.

Ulysses’ quote: “Truth is relative. Fortunately for me I am not on speaking terms with my relatives.”